ticcyyy | Lead You Into The Night (House/Cuddy, House/Wilson friendship; PG-13)

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Lead You Into The Night (House/Cuddy, House/Wilson friendship; PG-13)

Title: Lead You Into The Night
Pairing: House/Cuddy, House/Wilson friendship
Rating: PG-13
Words: 35,000
Author's Notes & Credits: A big, HUGE thank you to my wonderful betas,

ducks_in_a_row and

topaz_eyes! Without the both of you, this story would not have come together anywhere near as smoothly as it has. The title of the fic is derived from the song Lead Me Into The Night by The Cardigans. It was a song I listened to a lot while hammering this story out; it, in some ways, set the tone of the story. The chapter titles are also derived from the song's lyrics. The banner was made by me.

Summary: What's the differential for a woman who says she hates her baby?

Excerpt:

Cuddy shrugged. "I'm doing okay."

"Just 'okay'?"

She faced the crib, where the baby was wrapped up tight in a blanket and fast asleep. Maybe she was just fatigued, but she didn't seem herself. He frowned.

"Can't believe I'm heading home tomorrow," she finally said. "It's going to be weird having a baby in the house."

"You've had plenty of time to get used to the idea."

"Preparing for a baby, House, and having one..."

"Thought you'd be jumping for joy."

"I thought so, too."

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Note: If the website where the fic is hosted is down, please read the story here, in my LJ.

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OH GOD. I was supposed to read these bigbang fics in SNIPPETS, and not spend HUGE CHUNKS OF TIME on them, but then I GOT SUCKED IN and this was FANTASTIC. House's assholish attempts at not caring, Cuddy's depression (was so very FRIGHTENING), Wilson's utter awesomeness and friendship and EEEEEEEEEEE. Ticcy! This was fantastic!!!!

Thank you very, very much! I definitely think a lot of people don't realise how frightening depression and postpartum depression can be, both for the mother and for those witnessing. I really wanted to portray that, to present just how scary it can be. And I'm very glad to know it worked!

Thanks for reading, perspi! ♥

OH GOD!! i don't think you can understand how much i loved your story!! it is perfect!!! I have been reading it instead of doing h/w!! which i really should be doing but I got completely taken in by your story and couldn't stop reading! it is so beautiful and so so well written!! aaah lovely! and the ending...aaah...wonderful!! will you continue?? thanks so much :)

I am thinking quite seriously about writing a sequel and a prequel, yes. :-)

Thank you so much for reading! I'm very glad you enjoyed it. I'm very fond of the ending, too, hee. :-)

Re: perfect!

ooohmygod.livejournal.com - 2009-03-27 14:26 (UTC) - Expand

Might have been a teensy bit repetitive but the payoff for each ("repetitive") moment was just so emotionally profound that I COULD NOT STOP READING. I have final papers to write and exams to study for but I could not stop reading your fic, I COULD NOT. You just get lost in the story (and by lost I mean, absorbed ^^) and the ways in which the characters dealt with everything that was happening to them.

I love the tension and the banter and the love and the trust/distrust between House and Cuddy. I love how you wrote them so tragically and hopefully at the same time. And I love how in the fic, it's House who brings hope in Cuddy's life. He pulls himself together so Cuddy can pull herself together. You don't often see that in fics and in canon but you made it all sounds so true to House.

I got all tingly and flail-y all over. Really wonderful job on this. EPIC STUFF. :)

*sound so true to House

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ticcyyy.livejournal.com - 2009-03-27 13:01 (UTC) - Expand

ASDFGHJKJHGFDSASDFGHJKA

I am crying. Seriously, that was so gorgeous and amazing and the characterisation was so beautiful and i need to flail again.

asdfghjkjhgfdsasdfga

I will be back with my actual coherent thoughts in a while but it's almost 1am and i need to sleep and dream about this gorgeousness Ticcy. I absolutely adore it with all of my heart.

Aww, bb!! Thank you so much! Ha, I cried while writing it. I had moments of blubbering my eyes out because of how emotional and close to home this whole story was. But it was a wonderful experience to write it, too.

Thank you so much for reading! And I won't lie - I will welcome any other thoughts you might have on the story. So, if you've got 'em, share 'em. Hee.

♥!

This fic is going to seriously distract me from my work. You have me in tears, woman.

I was in tears writing parts of it! The story was very close to home to me.

I think the most incredible facet of your writing, Ticcy, is how honest and real each character is. You take any and every situation and unravel it, layer by layer so that all the characters that you work with have a reaction. It’s never one-sided, it’s a multitude of raw, heartbreaking, and funny sides that you never lose sight of. I admire that so much about your work.

That being said, I think that you’ve written Cuddy as I have her in my head, as I’d love the show to take the time and develop. You craft her so well, allow her to be Cuddy as we, the audience, know her, and then add all those complicated, gorgeous sides that are often lost to a lot of things. She’s stunning in this, from her interactions with House and the weight of the change of having this baby. Not only is it believable, but you never lose sight of her character in the situation.

House! Your House, for me, has always been the closest, if not the same as canon!House on the show. It’s just so fantastic, the back and forth that he goes through, the way that he loathes change, but still follows through, with that self-hatred and fascination. I love how you play with his relationship with Wilson in this, and go back to his relationship with Cuddy – it becomes this fantastic study on how the relationships both drive him and steady him.

And House/Cuddy! It really was such a pleasure to read. I mean, again, you never steer away from the weight of their relationship or let the situation carry it. What is there, is there, and the two of them come together in such a gorgeous way around the baby, trying to figure themselves out and subsequently find each other this way. I think this story could easily stand in canon. Without a doubt.

Plus, there are so many lines and parts that I just want to draw hearts and stars all over. From House walking into Cuddy’s hospital room and her family’s there to Cuddy and Eva and the elephant. Really, Ticcy, this is such an incredible story. Well done, m’dear. ♥

Okay, I need to comment again with something more substantial this time. :)

I think you got House's thought and dialogue processes down perfectly. You certainly captured his "weapons of mass deflection." He's not one to want to get involved in such things, but he's certainly not cruel, and he goes to where he needs to be. And Cuddy needed him to be there.

I like that you didn't shy away from the raw, devastating effects of postpartum depression. Cuddy said some horrible things about Eva, but you had her say them in such a way that she didn't come off as a monster.

When I have time, I'm going to go back and read it again. It was just that awesome.

Hee! Aww, thank you so much for coming back to give a second round of feedback! ♥!

He's not one to want to get involved in such things, but he's certainly not cruel, and he goes to where he needs to be

He does, yeah. Without meaning to, or even wanting to for the most part. And even towards the very end, there was a part of him that still didn't want to because of being so afraid of intimacy and love. He knew what was the right thing to do, but he never always went about doing it the right way.

Cuddy said some horrible things about Eva, but you had her say them in such a way that she didn't come off as a monster

I am going to write a 'synopsis/commentary' on this fic and talk about stuff like this, as well as lots of other facets of this story. But yes. This. She hated herself for saying the things she did, and she hated how out her control those feelings were. She knew she wasn't supposed to feel that way. And that's exactly what it's like. You see this child you know you're supposed to love and you just can't and you don't know why. Postpartum depression is a really awful, awful thing to go through.

Thanks so much for slogging through all 35K words, AND for coming back to give a second round of feedback. I appreciate it so much. I'm thrilled you liked the story!

This fic is just awesome!

I really love the fact that things aren't perfect from the beginning, and that House is slowly accepting that things have changed. The Wilson/Cuddy and Wilson/House friendship is great too. I love the way House acts with Eva towards the end, how he's more and more acting like a real father.

Like I've said, this fic is just awesome!

He definitely slowly accepts it, without wanting to accept it. House is very much caught between a rock and a hard place in this story.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read it, and for leaving feedback! I'm so glad you enjoyed it :-)

depressing and real. i think you captured cuddy's sense of hopelessness and her anger very well. i totally feared for eva at times and i'm glad house came through. great job.

Thank you so much! It's a tetchy topic to cover, depression. And a lot of people don't understand postpartum depression, even if they understand depression. It's a very scary thing to go through. I'm so glad you enjoyed the story and that Cuddy's struggle, and House's, was palpable. :-)

Oh my...this hit extremely close to home for me. I really struggled for the first six months of motherhood and your descriptions of what Cuddy went through brought back all those feelings of guilt and inadequacy.

I thought the way House behaved at the start was pretty bad, even for him, but you managed to make it believable by showing the emotional turmoil underneath. The gradual realisation of the changes he felt were brilliantly done (and made me cry too).

I loved the interactions between House and Eva - perfectly in character for House. This bit made me melt:

"Most of all, she was beginning to recognise familiar faces and voices. His was one of the most familiar faces to her, and the way she always responded to him was unlike anything he'd ever known."

Basically, all of it either had me grinning or in tears. But I loved it!

And what a perfect ending too.

Thank you for sharing!

all those feelings of guilt and inadequacy

Motherhood is really something that no woman is ever really prepared for, especially the emotional rollercoaster it can take you on. I, too, struggled very hard with my child - which is where the inspiration for this story came from, actually. I was intrigued by Cuddy's high, virtually unrealistic expectations of motherhood on the show, and I wanted to explore what would happen to her if she should go through a situation where she felt like she'd failed herself and her baby. This story was definitely an emotional and interesting journey to write.

I thought the way House behaved at the start was pretty bad, even for him

Ahahaha. Yeah. He was pretty brutal. He's like that, though - the more emotionally affected he is by a situation, the more of an asshole he becomes because he's quite incapable of dealing with his feelings. Not because he can't so much as he won't. And the emotions have to come out somehow - and for him, they come out in the form of asshole extraordinaire.

And hee. I really loved that line, too. Something about House developing a bond with a child gives me the fuzzies.

Thanks so much for reading and for replying with such lovely, thoughtful feedback. I'm thrilled you enjoyed the story. :-)

This is marvelous. The entire conversation with Wilson that leads up to House saying "these are my apathy pants" is just solid gold. I love how House turns away and finds himself drawn back into Cuddy's life and the understated reveal of how House feels about his own emotional abandonment. You nailed her postpartum depression, with all the grinding fatigue and doubt that comes with it, and her not being able to feel what she should parallels House allowing himself to have feelings for the two of them.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful feedback!

her not being able to feel what she should parallels House allowing himself to have feelings for the two of them

I hoped that parallel would come through - the parallels between struggling to resist emotion (House) and struggling to feel it (Cuddy). House definitely allowed himself to... without realising it until he was in too deep to be able to back out of it. And even when he'd reached a point of acceptance, there was still a big part of him that didn't want to accept it at all. Which is one of the things I love about House: he's a good person underneath all his bullshit, and he's much more vulnerable than he likes to believe he is.

I'm very glad that Cuddy's PPD was palpable. PPD is something that a lot of people struggle to understand, especially when it causes the mother to sink to the point of saying horrible things about their child. I'd wanted very much to convey how out of control it can leave a person feeling - Cuddy, in this case. Slipping into that dark place is very hard to break free of.

Thanks again, for reading and for taking the time to comment. I'm so glad you enjoyed the story. :-)

Damn! I just wanted to take a short look and read it later, but I just couldn't stop, because your story sucked me right in. It's heart-breaking and chilling to the bone at some points. House's attempts at not caring are frighteningly in character. At some points I really wanted to hit him over the head (as usual). I love the sort of open end, nothing is really solved, but it looks like the light is visible at the horizon. I love it very much and I can see why this fic feels so personal to you. ♥

I love the sort of open end, nothing is really solved, but it looks like the light is visible at the horizon

Yes! I really hoped this is what would come across to the reader - melancholy with hope. So, it's not a happy ending, but it's a cautiously hopeful one where Cuddy is one the very beginning of the road to recovery and House is on the very beginning of the road to accepting what he never thought he'd ever end up accepting. It's why I want to write a sequel - I want to see where this journey ends up taking them both.

Thanks so much for reading, bb! It's a lot of words to get through and I really appreciate that you took the time to get through the whole thing, and took the time to leave feedback! ♥ ♥ ♥!

Beautifully written, richly expressive. You have an amazing command of these characters. Cuddy's inner-struggle and House's slow development from his uncaring self into a considerate father (almost) without actually altering what makes him House... I bow down to your supreme skill.

I wish I could write you a wordier review, because you totally deserve it, but I am at loss for words.

Thank you so, so much. Wordiness need not apply; everything you've stated in your comment is everything I'd hoped to achieve and put across in the story. Most of all, I'm very glad to know I didn't take these characters out of character, as I know this situation I've spun for them in this fic is one that isn't a typical situation they'd be in at all.

Thanks so much for reading and for leaving such thoughtful feedback. :-)

I AM SHAKING AND CRING RIGHT NOW!!!!! That was THE BEST FanFic I have ever read. Period. And I have read so many honey.

That was OMFG, it was amazing, you got the characters nailed like nobody's business.

The end was brilliant, OMG Eva is absolute Awesome Sauce.

XOXOXOXOXO Muah <3

Aww, bb! Thanks so much for taking the time to read the story and to comment! I'm thrilled to bits to know you enjoyed it so much, and that it touched you.

Thank you again! ♥ ♥!!

A;SLKDFJAWOEIJA;SLDKGJAW;OIRHWA;LKDFJASLDKF *MORE KEYMASH* BECAUSE OMG. IT'S HERE. AND I SO WANTED TO READ THIS IN ONE GO AS SOON AS THE ARCHIVE OPENED AT MIDNIGHT BUT MY BRAIN DECIDED IT NEEDED SLEEP. DARN YOU, BRAIN. DON'T YOU KNOW HOUSE COMES FIRST?

This will probably be an incredibly long comment because I seriously could NOT. STOP. READING. I kept cursing the errands I had to run for interrupting, but it didn't take away from the powerful emotions going into this.

I love how honest and real you make motherhood out to be. It's ugly, it's tiresome and you seriously cut to the core. I love Wilson being House's conscience once again, House struggling with not caring and Cuddy just trying to figure this all out. The progression is wonderful. And God, the arguments between all three of them, but especially between House and Cuddy--they just made me cringe and want to hug them all at the same time. Btw, Eva is a beautiful name. I JUST WANTED MORE. I was like NO, KEEP GOING. DON'T END HERE! lol. This definitely didn't feel like 35K because there is not a single dull moment. Every scene is tense and it shows character development and growth and House being cute with Eva! You totally stole my heart when she was doing 'push ups' on his chest. That's the one scene I've been dying to see in a fic ever since they brought this baby storyline up in canon and you made it better than I ever could imagine, so thank you for that.

[MORE KEYMASH HERE.]

You, my friend, are amazing and a genius. You bring all the ugly realities to life and it's gorgeous. &hearts &hearts &hearts I'll probably end up coming back here to tell you more amazing and coherent details. :D

HEEEEE. YOUR COMMENTS NEVER FAIL TO MAKE ME GRIN LIKE A STUPID PERSON. :D :D :D

I love how honest and real you make motherhood out to be

Motherhood is hard, man. So many fics completely and utterly sugar-coat and gloss over motherhood like it's some beautiful, special time in a woman's life. And it is... except it comes with a lot of struggles and sometimes pain, too. Cuddy, in my mind, has always had a rather unrealistic ideal of motherhood, with exceedingly high expectations of herself. And falling short of any of her own expectations would be nothing but devastating to her. I really wanted to portray Cuddy as flawed and imperfect without making her weak, and I really hope I achieved that.

You totally stole my heart when she was doing 'push ups' on his chest

Ahahahaha oh my god that's one of my favourite special moments in that story. Every little bonding moment House has with Eva was precious to write, but that one in particular - House really would be a good father, in spite of his issues. I believe he would make a lot of mistakes and his issues would get in the way at times. But ultimately, he would do the best he could, too. And I can so see a little daughter getting him wrapped around her little finger. Hee!

Thank you so, SO much for reading such a long piece of work and for leaving such detailed, wonderful feedback!! I am thrilled to bits that you enjoyed it, bb!! ♥!

AMAZING!

so cruel and real, Cuddy's PPD made me tearful.
House trying not to care, but being caught "in love" with Eva, lovely ♥

You did a wonderful job, thanks for write this.

Thank you so much for your feedback and for taking the time to read this monster fic. I'm so very, very glad you enjoyed it. :-)

Oh. My. Goodness.
This is AMAZING!!!
I have spent a couple hours up reading (luckily classes are cancelled tomorrow, woohoo) and it was so worth it.
This was an incredibly realy experience of PPD and you handled it perfectly. I loved the whole thing, from beginning to end, even though some parts made my heart break for poor House and Cuddy.
Eva is just so cute (well, in my mind), I'm so glad House bonded with her while Cuddy was struggling.
Wow. You did an amazing job! And 35,000 words? That is freakin' awesome - congrats!

Just replying to add - I just downloaded the video trailer and it is FABULOUS!!! It really captured the story :)

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ticcyyy.livejournal.com - 2009-03-27 12:41 (UTC) - Expand

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ticcyyy.livejournal.com - 2009-03-27 12:40 (UTC) - Expand

AMAZINGLY AMAZING. I read parts 1-4 and part of 5 this morning and only stopped because I had to work. Finished it off just now.

I can totally see how you got so into this 'verse. It's so heart/gut wrenching and full of emotion. I loved seeing House's 'softer side' as he interacted more and more with Eva (btw, in my epic Hameron trilogy, I had Cuddy and Wilson name their daughter Eva, after House suggested it! LOL!), and I'm sure there are a lot of women who can identify with Cuddy's plight.

I really hope you decide to write a sequel, or something, because I really like where this could potentially go. The options are endless!!

Great job, bb! LOVED IT!

I had Cuddy and Wilson name their daughter Eva, after House suggested it! LOL!
Hee! Now there's a coincidence! Eva isn't a common name, either!

Thanks so much for the feedback! This story sure was emotional to write. Very close to home for me, for one, for a number of reasons. And it's also a story I've had stewing in my mind for a long while.

I am back to the stewing stage - stewing over where a sequel could go, what would happen, where House and Cuddy would end up. And a prequel, too! I'd kind of love to explore those six months where they were trying to get Cuddy pregnant.

Thanks again for the feedback! It was a lot of words to get through reading and I'm so glad you not only manage to slog through it all but enjoyed it. ♥

Aaaah sweetie this was just fabulous.
I can't even begin to describe coherently how wonderful this fic is.
Also, I love the name you chose for the baby. Eva :):)

Thank you so much, babe! I'm very glad you liked it. :-) :-)

I was about to shut down my laptop and did a last check at the house_cuddy community to check if there was anything i missed...and well, i ended up going to bed 2 hours later because there was just no way for me to stop mid-story and postpone it to the next day.

your story is heartbreakingly real. and it made me think about when it's my time to be a mother. I have a sinking feeling I just might end up feeling and behaving like Cuddy in your story - insecure, depressed, anxious, unconfident. I know this is only fiction but you wrote it so well, I can "see" so many mothers nodding in agreement.

Motherhood can be a really scary thing, especially when it's new. The expectations built up are never what end up happening. And Cuddy is the queen of having built up expectations, and the queen of being very hard on herself if she so much as slips a notch below her own expectations.

Thank you so much for reading. I'm very, very glad you enjoyed it.

I loved this. So awesome. I got absolutely nothing done at work yesterday. I told myself I'd only read part 1. YEAH RIGHT!!!! I couldn't stop!
I'm reading it again today.
I loved watching House slowly get sucked in. I love reading about him so much. And Cuddy and Wilson and Eva.
And HELL YEAH FOR PREQUELS AND SEQUELS!!!!

Hee! Thank you so much! A sequel and a prequel may take a little while for me to write, but there's so much more to this story I'd love to explore. I can't just leave it where it's at now!

Thanks for reading. I'm very glad you enjoyed it. :-)

Wonderful. How wonderful? At 3 in the morning I forced myself to go to bed with a section and a half to go and my alarm was going off at 7:15.

And I still want to know why House agreed to be her donor.

House explains, very briefly, why he agreed - when he was on the floor with Eva and trying to get Cuddy to bond with the baby. It's so brief you could almost miss it, ahahaha. House is never one to go into huge detail about the good things he does or his good intentions. I plan to write a sequel at some point, and will go into that a lot more there.

Thank you so much for reading! It sure was a hell of a lot to read. I'm very glad you enjoyed it!

Couldn't stop reading this. It was very believable. I loved the opposite pulls: House unable to stop himself from feeling something for the baby, and Cuddy unable to feel anything for the baby. VEry realistic portrayal of the first few weeks of new motherhood.

The parallels between struggling to resist emotion and struggling to feel it was a big theme in this fic, as well as a number of other themes. I'm so, so glad that came across strongly - how House and Cuddy were powerless to their own emotions and how something as dark and troubling as depression unexpectedly drew them together.

Thank you so much for reading. I'm very glad you enjoyed the story. :-)

I'm too tired to say much, but I wanted to let you know that I liked reading this story very much. It felt very real and I loved how House couldn't stop himself from loving the kid, while Cuddy struggled with it. In my world they're gonna pull through. Not in a fulffy-bunny way, but I think between them, they'll raise a crackin' cool kid. :-)

Thank you very much for reading! I hope to write a sequel, and probably a prequel. So, maybe I'll get to explore exactly what kind of kid they end up raising.

But yeah. Melancholy with hope is the angle I was going for with this fic, as well as parallels between struggling to resist emotion and struggling to feel it. It was definitely a journey and a half writing this story.

Thanks again for reading and taking the time to comment! ♥

edit: ahahaahaha oops. Wrong icon! lolol

Edited 2009-03-26 23:40 (UTC)

awww... that was wonderful.

Thank you! :-)

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