ticcyyy: (Default)
ticcyyy ([personal profile] ticcyyy) wrote2008-12-09 08:22 am
Entry tags:

Mambo No. 5

title: Mambo No. 5
pairings: Various. Caters for almost every ship?
rating: Mild R
disclaimer: When the vulture flies sideways, the moon has hair on its upper lip.
notes: For [livejournal.com profile] ducks_in_a_row, [livejournal.com profile] another_myself, [livejournal.com profile] katernater, [livejournal.com profile] shutterbug_12 and [livejournal.com profile] austen 'cos I love roleplaying with them and this is a random thank you gift for how much joy I get playing with them. Thanks, guys! ♥

summary: A list of people House has either slept with or wishes he could sleep with. Or wishes he hadn't slept with.

Mambo No. 5
by Ticcy

Cytherea or Tianna Lynn: The Porn World's Most Famous Squirters.

House has never liked squirt porn. But he has watched it. Does watch it. On occasion.

The whole squirting thing is a crock of shit. He's a doctor. He'd know.

But that's never stopped him from being intrigued.

He sits on his couch, laptop on the coffee table, and cocks his head to the side with a slightly incredulous frown as another explosion of dubiously urea-like fluid sprays out from between Cytherea's thighs like a malfunctioning garden sprinkler.

No, he decides, wrinkling his face as flecks of this suspicious fluid splashes onto the camera lens that had filmed the scene. Not sexy. Or hot.

...but still intriguing.

Carmen Electra, Angelina Jolie, Salma Hayek (especially Salma Hayek), Lucy Liu... The A-List Of Hot Babes Goes On.

Hey. A guy can dream, right? Preferably wet ones.

Lisa Cuddy, The Woman Whose Vagina Surprisingly Doesn't Have Teeth (At Least, Not The Last Time House Checked, Though Times Can Change).

He's been there. Tapped that. Got the t-shirt. The one that says, "I tapped my boss and all I got was a lousy threat she'll give me a spinal tap if I don't do my clinic hours."

Well. That's the joke he makes out of it, anyway.

He has tapped that. Once. And it wasn't by any means a bad lay.

Which is kinda the problem. Would've been way easier if it was a bad lay because cracking jokes about it would be a lot easier. Nothing to lose or miss out on, or hope for a second time, if it sucks, right?


Except it's not so much the idea of it happening again that House is scared of, but the idea of it not happening again. Rejection and House have never mixed well together. Especially when he's rejected by someone who means---


Let's just stick with calling it a lousy t-shirt, he decides firmly to himself. Because then he can crack jokes about Cuddy and wet t-shirt competitions.

Cracking jokes is definitely much easier than admitting what he really wants.

That Hooker Whose Name House Can't Recall (Did She Even Tell Him What Her Name Was?).


That hooker was a bad idea. Way overpriced, too.

House definitely didn't pay over a hundred bucks just to get teeth marks on his penis during a blowjob.

That Other Hooker Whose Name House Can't Recall, But Boy, Did She Have Great Tits.

She had really great tits.

And the whole reverse cowgirl thing she did with him was enough to make House feel like a stud, at least until the afterglow of orgasm had faded to black.

Oh yeah, she was hot. Worth every penny.

Penny, House suddenly remembers. Her name was Penny. Penny with the fantastic tits.

He makes a mental note of her name and decides he'll see if he can get her services again sometime in the future.

Crandall's Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (House Can't Remember Her Name, Either).

So, maybe seducing his pal's girlfriend was a little low of him.

But, hey. It was a noble gesture. House had come to his friend's rescue, stopped Crandall from tying the knot with some needy, manipulative chick. She gave pretty bad blowjobs, too. So, Crandall really wasn't missing out on much, even if she was something of a looker.

Okay, maybe not so noble. House has always felt a bit guilty about what he did there.

But just a bit. She was nuts, after all.

Lisa Cuddy. Again. Probably Now With Extra Teeth.

No, he really has only tapped that once.

And no, he has no intention of tapping that again. Tapping Cuddy would earn him a spinal tap in the end. Physically, knowing Cuddy and her crazed moments of wanting to have his balls mounted on a plaque in her office. And emotionally. He knows he'd no doubt return the favour. Mutual spinal tapping. Not pretty.


That doesn't stop him entertaining the idea of it every now and again.

Cameron. And Thirteen. And Cameron And Thirteen Together. And Maybe Cuddy Thrown In There, Too, For Extra Lesbian Hot (Minus Vaginal Teeth Would Be Preferable).

Cameron's pretty. House has always thought that. Sometimes, she's drop dead gorgeous.

As for Thirteen - she's pretty hot herself. And House has always had a fascination with girl-on-girl action.

But House knows how that would end. Cameron would get attached. House likes people getting attached to him about as much as he likes leeches attaching themselves to him. Besides, she's already attached. Chase is either very lucky or very tolerant.

As for Thirteen...

Nah. Wouldn't work. At all.

Wilson, The Great Enabler.

What was he thinking?

No, really.

Don't ask.

Stacy. God, Stacy.

Probably the second biggest mistake House ever made with Stacy was telling her he didn't want her to leave.

Everything about her had been so familiar. Her scent. Her hands. Her lips against his mouth and his throat and chest, and around his penis. Her voice low and loving in his ear. The way her body had arched underneath him.

The biggest mistake he made was whispering against the shell of her ear as they lay in a tangle of sweaty limbs, "I missed you". She'd smiled, touched his cheek and pressed kisses to his lips, murmuring, "I missed you, too, Greg. So much."

Telling her to leave...

House doesn't like to think about it. At all.

Yeah, definitely his biggest mistake.


[identity profile] another-myself.livejournal.com 2008-12-08 09:43 pm (UTC)(link)
I love this, bb, so hardcore. ♥

[identity profile] ticcyyy.livejournal.com 2008-12-08 09:55 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm glad, babe! I love you, too! ♥

[identity profile] emotikka.livejournal.com 2008-12-08 09:44 pm (UTC)(link)
That was beautiful, funny, sweet and heartbreaking at the same time baby. ♥

[identity profile] ticcyyy.livejournal.com 2008-12-08 09:55 pm (UTC)(link)
All the odd conundrums of House! Which is what I was aiming for.

Thanks, babe! ♥

[identity profile] warmdarkwoman.livejournal.com 2008-12-08 09:46 pm (UTC)(link)
Lucy's last name is spelled Liu.

Other than that: so hot. Thank you.

[identity profile] ticcyyy.livejournal.com 2008-12-08 09:56 pm (UTC)(link)
Whoops! Fixed!

Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it! :-)

[identity profile] katernater.livejournal.com 2008-12-08 09:53 pm (UTC)(link)
Christ, you're gorgeous. Three lines. YOU MADE ME HOT WITH THREE LINES.

[identity profile] ticcyyy.livejournal.com 2008-12-08 09:57 pm (UTC)(link)

I'm really glad you liked it! ♥

[identity profile] mad-carrie.livejournal.com 2008-12-08 10:04 pm (UTC)(link)
It's funny, playful, and sad and bitter and melancholy, all at the same time. Vagina with teeth cracked me up!

Stacy. This is the only serious part of the whole thing. And it's great that you've decided to end the fic with it. I sometimes forget how important Stacy was to House.

Great job!

[identity profile] gotaheadstart.livejournal.com 2008-12-08 10:05 pm (UTC)(link)
Commenting from Cuddy's journal because YOU INSPIRED ME TO WRITE MY OWN FOR HER.

That being said, gorgeous. And hilarious. And fantastic. :D LOVE LOVE LOVE.

[identity profile] phineas-gatsby.livejournal.com 2008-12-08 10:08 pm (UTC)(link)
This was awesome, poignant and funny. Yay!

[identity profile] missy7280.livejournal.com 2008-12-08 10:18 pm (UTC)(link)
Gaaaah, you made me miss House/Stacy, woman! Damn you.

I have to say I love the little Wilson bit thrown in. The way they are right now I can imagine them trying something and it ending very, very badly. Which you totally captured in 3 short lines.

I think for now I'm going to ship House/any hooker. It seems to make the most sense, seeing as how he is so emotionally inept.

[identity profile] ducks-in-a-row.livejournal.com 2008-12-08 11:15 pm (UTC)(link)
This makes me want to slap House and tell him to stop thinking and start doing. Which is pretty much how the 'real' House makes me feel, so good job :-)

[identity profile] teenwitch77.livejournal.com 2008-12-09 12:12 am (UTC)(link)
This is awesome.

[identity profile] bammel.livejournal.com 2008-12-09 12:23 am (UTC)(link)

Scorpions - Wind Of Change


[identity profile] inflightdata.livejournal.com 2008-12-09 01:05 am (UTC)(link)
This is great. Really gets the feel of the show - hilarious and heartbreaking at the same time. You're the best!

[identity profile] chippers87.livejournal.com 2008-12-09 02:18 am (UTC)(link)
In my mind, Cuddy's vagina now looks like some sort of alien-worm-creature. And that's an odd image for a Monday evening, I must say. Or any evening for that matter.

Kind of more than a little in love with this. LOVE.

[identity profile] proteus-unbound.livejournal.com 2008-12-09 02:26 am (UTC)(link)

This tickled me in the weirdest places. And I mean that in a good way, of course.

Cameron and Thirteen and Cuddy...OMG. And I loved House instantly disregarding a possible relationship with Thirteen, for no reason at all.

[identity profile] melroseee.livejournal.com 2008-12-09 02:34 am (UTC)(link)
I can totally see this being completely true. GALKFLKSDJf Adding to mems immediately!

[identity profile] ticcyyy.livejournal.com 2008-12-15 11:40 am (UTC)(link)
Hee, thanks! :-)

[identity profile] filminspired.livejournal.com 2008-12-09 02:38 am (UTC)(link)
i loved the stacy part <3

[identity profile] ticcyyy.livejournal.com 2008-12-15 11:40 am (UTC)(link)
I thought you would! ♥

[identity profile] euclase.livejournal.com 2008-12-09 02:40 am (UTC)(link)
I liked it! I confess I'm way too fascinated by the order you've put them in, and like I did before, I want to ask you why you put them in the order you did and what might make House change that order but I WILL REFRAIN UNLESS YOU FEEL LIKE ANSWERING SUCH A RIDICULOUS QUESTION.

I love that Wilson's part is a conversation he might actually have with Wilson. Hilarious!

Also love the porn star at the beginning (can see House's head tilt there, lol). And how devastatingly potent Stacy's moment is--I was startled by that, but in a good way. You really pick up on the Cuddy = fun but Stacy = serious business difference in their relationships, and it's very telling that House goes back to "playtime" twice here but ends on "serious business." Awesome. (I think I just answered my ridiculous question)

Don't know where this kick for this style of list-fic is coming from, but I'm grateful. :)

[identity profile] euclase.livejournal.com 2008-12-09 02:42 am (UTC)(link)
PS: it's against my programming to impersonate a penis


[identity profile] ticcyyy.livejournal.com 2008-12-15 11:39 am (UTC)(link)


[identity profile] a-proclivity.livejournal.com 2008-12-09 02:44 am (UTC)(link)
Wonderful. Just perfect and wonderful.

[identity profile] ticcyyy.livejournal.com 2008-12-15 11:39 am (UTC)(link)
Thank you!

[identity profile] sassydew.livejournal.com 2008-12-09 02:55 am (UTC)(link)
This was funny, sad, heartbreaking and perfectly House. I really enjoyed it - great job!

[identity profile] ticcyyy.livejournal.com 2008-12-15 11:38 am (UTC)(link)
Thanks, Sassy! ♥

[identity profile] lesaubergines.livejournal.com 2008-12-09 03:38 am (UTC)(link)
Hahaha, vagina teeth.

Pssh, House needs to tap that again!

[identity profile] ticcyyy.livejournal.com 2008-12-15 11:38 am (UTC)(link)
I agree! Many times! *g*

[identity profile] house-stacy15.livejournal.com 2008-12-09 04:15 am (UTC)(link)
Great job! I especially loved the Stacy part. Keep up the wonderful work =)I love House. lol

[identity profile] ticcyyy.livejournal.com 2008-12-15 11:37 am (UTC)(link)

[identity profile] shutterbug-12.livejournal.com 2008-12-09 04:22 am (UTC)(link)
Loved the Penny the Hooker section. Also, the image of Cuddy's vagina-monster. The difference between the first and second Cuddy sections is interesting; he came to a realization about it, and them, and I liked it. I really enjoyed the names of section, too. The order is very interesting, and the first and last have the most distance between them in terms of meaning for House, which makes those two choices especially nice. But, well, you know which one I love the most. Big surprise. But, really, that was such a different section from the rest, and that was nice to see. Thanks that little surprise! <3
ext_7700: (Default)

[identity profile] swatkat24.livejournal.com 2008-12-09 05:11 am (UTC)(link)
Hee! No, he definitely doesn't want to sleep with Cuddy, does he? *g* And the Thirteen + Cameron scene made me grin like a fool. Love this.

[identity profile] ticcyyy.livejournal.com 2008-12-15 11:37 am (UTC)(link)
Absolutely not. *g* And seriously, House would be all over having those girls all over him, or would probably prefer it even more if he was watching them be all over each other. Hee.

Thanks for reading!

[identity profile] wanderlonely.livejournal.com 2008-12-09 05:24 am (UTC)(link)
Lisa Cuddy, The Woman Whose Vagina Surprisingly Doesn't Have Teeth (At Least, Not The Last Time House Checked, Though Times Can Change).

I do love House's mind sometimes. XDD GREAT one!

[identity profile] ticcyyy.livejournal.com 2008-12-15 11:35 am (UTC)(link)
Hee. Thanks, doll! ♥

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