That Tube Of Lube

[ticcyyy]

In fanfic, it doesn't matter if it's House and Wilson's first time with anal sex, or one millionth time, the ever-so-convenient tube of lube that just happens to always be standing like a beacon on the bedside table gets so damn old. Especially when it's their first time, ever.

It goes a little something like this:

TITLE: The Mysterious Tube of Lube, and How House and Wilson Came To Be Gay Even Though They Have Always Been Straight
by cryptictac

[House and Wilson are a tangle of limbs and tongues, naked on the bed]

House: Oh, boy, look at us getting hot and heavy.
Wilson: Oh god, yes. Rub me harder with your sexy stubble, you naughty boy.
House: [rubs his chin and cheek hard across Wilson's face, neck and chest] Considering you're still married and I've been pining over Stacy, and considering we've both never been with a guy, it's amazing how gay we are, isn't it?
Wilson: Yes, oh yes, oh god, yes. Keep stroking my cock with your long, elegant and skillful piano fingers in that splendiferous manner, please. It feels so very arousing and I am so very hard even though I am straight, yet appear to have no problems with getting it on with my best friend who happens to be a guy.
House: [strokes Wilson's cock with his long elegant piano fingers like an old pro and then suddenly gets behind Wilson and starts pushing his fingers into his anus.]
Wilson: Oh god, House, I am an anal virgin but your one, two, three fingers up my ass feels so good, even though I've always considered myself to be straight and even though none of my one, two, three wives has ever fingered my ass before in my life.
House: Like I said, it's amazing how gay we are.
Wilson: Yes, quite.
House: I must put my cock in you now. Oh, look. [withdraws fingers and points at nightstand] How about that? I've never had anal sex in my life and I not only know what I'm doing, I also have a bottle of lube waiting for me to use so I can slick my cock up and pound into you like a plumber on a bad plunger day.
Wilson: You have lube? Oh, the joy!
House: [slicking his cock up with lube] Yes, I have lube. None of that "Shit, I have no lube, what the hell can I use as a substitute? Oh, I know -- I have a bottle of Crisco cooking oil in my kitchen cupboard. That will do" or "I'm in the heat of the moment and the only thing I have right now is spit, so I shall spit on my hand all Ennis Del Mar from Brokeback Mountain style" spontaneity.
Wilson: Hmm, seems a little contrived, doesn't it? That you happen to have some lube casually standing around on your nightstand.
House: Oh, yes. But I am always prepared for anal sex, even though this is my first time, and even though I'm straight. Though, of course, I actually realise I am now gay ever since I looked deep into your cliched puppy dog eyes ten minutes ago.
Wilson: Enter me now, for I am so hot for your cock in my virgin ass.
House: [thrusts into Wilson with reckless abandon and Wilson is surprisingly in little or no discomfort at having his ass penetrated by an erect penis]
Wilson: Oh god, you are pounding against my prostate and I am now going to come. [comes]
House: [follows with "Jimmy!" tumbling from his lips like an utterance of complete adoration, and then withdraws and flops beside Wilson] Well, thank god for that convenient tube of lube, Jimmy. I'm so glad I thought ahead towards the idea of having random anal sex with my best friend, even though I am straight.
Wilson: Greg, I just realised that I am deeply in love with you and I want to have your ass-babies.
House: Oh god, yes. I love you, too, and seeing we have this convenient tube of lube, let us commence making ass-babies now, even though you and I have both come. We shall defy the male response of not being able to become erect directly following orgasm by becoming erect upon me touching your cock and you sucking my nipples, and have ten rounds of hot mansex until my seed is planted deep within the confines of your mangina.
Wilson: God, I love you, Greg.
House: [slicking cock up for round 2] I love you, too, Jimmy.

[The End]

Edit: LOL, livelove423 made a few icons quoting from this. xD



Edit: Haha, and cenori got in on the icon making, too:

Comments

[chershey.livejournal.com]

OMFG I have not laughed that hard in years!!!!

*glomps*

....ass-babies

*dies from laughing*

[argyletheme.livejournal.com]

BRILLIANCE. TOTAL COMPLETE BRILLIANCE.

*throws roses*

House: Oh god, yes. I love you, too, and seeing we have this convenient tube of lube, let us commence making ass-babies now, even though you and I have both come. We shall defy the male response of not being able to become erect directly following orgasm by becoming erect upon me touching your cock and you sucking my nipples, and have ten rounds of hot mansex until my seed is planted deep within the confines of your mangina.

I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life. ♥!

[musikologie.livejournal.com]

I think I love you.

[jateshi.livejournal.com]

-sporfles- The ass babies have come to House.

-wipes tear from eye- Oh, so crack. And yet, so amusingly funny.

[ticcyyy.livejournal.com]

Haha, I'm glad you enjoyed it. xD

I was reading yet another fic where this kind of thing was happening and it was like the final straw -- it had to be said.

[ticcyyy.livejournal.com]

Haha. I could have either ranted about it, or made my point known via an over-the-top parody thing. The parody seemed more appealing. xD

[ticcyyy.livejournal.com]

Why, thank you. ♥

xD

[ticcyyy.livejournal.com]

They have come to House, yes. But House had to come in Wilson for the ass-babies to ever come in the first place.

I to this day do not understand the attraction in mpreg. I never, ever will, either.

[cenori.livejournal.com]

Do you think the whole thing would fit on an icon?

[subluxate]

chershey directed her entire flist this way, and I'm glad she did--I needed the laugh.

So which spawned it: the "what looked like a gallon of lube on his nightstand" or the "lube in the piano bench"?

[cenori.livejournal.com]

...Lube in the piano bench?

[ticcyyy.livejournal.com]

Hahaha. That'd be one hell of a BIG icon. xD

[subluxate]

I swear, there was a piece posted today, not long ago, on one or two of the communities, where House had apparently planted the lube there in case Wilson really was gay and wanted to have sex with him.

Yeah. The author in me pointed and laughed.

[alazysod.livejournal.com]

Fan-fucking-tastic. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard. :D

[cards-slash.livejournal.com]

Wilson: You have lube? Oh, the joy!

Oh, god, the best line ever.

[ticcyyy.livejournal.com]

This (http://community.livejournal.com/house_slash/267792.html) is what spawned it. And while I've read much worse, it was enough to make me snap and write this in retaliation.

[ticcyyy.livejournal.com]

...I saw that and have not the courage to click and read.

[subluxate]

Ah, so the "gallon of lube" one. I forgot the "bright red" part.

Sadly, in that piece, there are bits that have some potential to be in a good fic. It's just so overwhelmed.

[ticcyyy.livejournal.com]

LOL, I'm glad it's making people laugh. xD

[ticcyyy.livejournal.com]

Haha. Thank you!! xD

[cuvalwen.livejournal.com]

Hi. That was me. And the
"'You’re gay, so am I, let’s have sex?’”
A shrug.
“Well, yeah.”
“….Okay.”

didn't suggest that it wasn't meant to be totally serious?
Actually, I'm on fanficrants.
I've seen the stuff that's posted as serious.
I should have known better.

[subluxate]

I should have known better when the author said s/he's pretty sure there are "no glaring spelling or gramatical errors".

[ticcyyy.livejournal.com]

That's what I meant by "while I have read worse". Yeah, it does have potential. But... yeah. The lube thing irritates the HELL out of me in slash fanfic.

[cenori.livejournal.com]

Hey, I love a challenge! :D

[cenori.livejournal.com]

This fandom disappoints me more and more every day. *shakes head sadly*